"What are we? Are we anything?" laying in bed I asked.

He just looked at me with eyes full of uncertainty and a somewhat sorrow gaze.

We don't know.
We haven't really pick at the this touchy subject since May.

"I don't know...? What do you think we are?"
That was his answer.

I don't know. I have been asking and wondering about the same question myself at times. If back then we are just shoulders for each other to cry and lean on to pass rough time, I am not sure what kind of relationship this has turned into today. I am sure the line between friendship and relationship has been crossed several times and it's blurred to the point of extreme. Still, we can't make any decisions.

Or you can't, precisely. Because you don't want the responsibilities that come with the relationship. It's true, it's hard for anyone to be responsible for someone else's feelings. But you really overlooked how I felt for a while. I did get hurt in these 7 months. Being vulnerable when  nothing is certain. Not to mention some of the things that happened recently...

The waiting, the longing, the wondering, and the jealousy that came along with it.
Yes, it hurts, but since it's undefined, you don't feel the guilt, you don't feel the burden, and you don't feel anything that will make you go insane thinking about.

Still, it's been 7 months now, I tried pulling away, but of course it's easier said than done. It always has been that way. Never was able to fully understand why I fight for that little attention spared by you from time to time even when I know I am never going to be one of your priorities.
I've known you enough to know where I stand. I've seen you in love, I've seen you really care and on the edge of loving someone, I've also seen you go about your day not worrying about someone till that someone is standing in front of you.

Where I stand is not specifically anywhere in the categories above. I know you don't love me, but you sure as hell like me enough to care. I am pretty much invisible till needed...or at least when she's not standing in front of you. My name will pop into your head randomly. But then between being invisible and second placed I always managed to get a little more attention than her.

The line is blurred. It is what it is. I have a feeling the next time we touch on this matter, we'll say good-bye. Not sure if we are going to part as friends, the ironic thing is, we have been titled as friends ever since the beginning of it all. I just hope we fare well. It's like you've always taught me, smile and nod. It could always, always be worse. Anything could be worse than falling in love with you, right?

Lately I find myself being caught up in some thoughts.

Can't really untangle them...

I remember making a status about it on facebook. Sigh...the thing is, it's not that I don't know what I want or what I should do. I've mentioned again and again in previous entries that I hate how constant changes are made in my life. Though life is all about changes, but having been through a lot of them in such short period of time have jaded me a little.

Seems like the more I try to hold onto something, the faster it slips away.

Oh, and I hate getting myself emotionally involved in something I shouldn't. But you can't help but compare at times. Why is it this but won't that...blah blah blah. I know he's a good guy, hell, pretty sure he'll make a great bf, or husband, even. But I mean, how do you balance everything and not hurt anyone? If I follow my heart it'll just end up breaking a heart and destroy an established person's reputation. Of course...I'm used to always putting others' feelings before mine.

It's not that I don't know how to be selfish. I have done selfish deeds. In fact, many many times, as retaliation; yes me being vindictive is scary. But honestly, I can't really be THAT selfish because I actually care about them. After all, why would you want to hurt someone you genuinely care and love?

It truly is, the worst feeling in the world, when you think you know what you want but you really don't. Because it's RIGHT in front of you...but you doubt it so much to actually make it happen. Feels like you are staring into those crossroads and don't know which way to go.

I am just drained thinking about it...
Staying quiet is all I can do now. Best way right now is to be there for him when he needs me, though it'd be hard to keep a distance. He's not mine. Never was, never will. To be a good girl and not be jealous is hard; I know one day he's going to belong to someone else. I need to know my place. There is someone else. With the amount of girls throwing themselves at him...I think I am not that important. He will be fine. Or should I just completely distant myself?

Now I am just listing stuff...not even typing in paragraphs anymore.
How sad, loving someone has resort down to trapping myself.

Don't want to think anymore...
But do I really have anymore patience left?